I mean if you wrote a kuso poem on purpose, what do you expect?

Voted left.
Didn't vote the right one because it felt less personal about Aya and focused more on the ordinary egg in the last part, the right one reminded me of some stuff I read for high school a very long time ago, in the way it's written. I'm also not very good at interpreting poetry, though.

Don't want my words to possibly influence people so I'll spoiler too:
I'd say left. The rhyming on the right is too casual. It doesn't really fit this kind of thing. It reads more like a casual rhyme you'd speak to a kid. Left seems more earnest by comparison.

but please fix that font rendering next time

I liked the left one a lot more until "With no future, uncracked it lies," then I feel like its sense of rhythm kind of unravels. The words stop falling into place on the meter quite so neatly and I had to read a few of the lines several times over to make sense of them.
The right one I think doesn't have as many exciting lines as the one on the left does but its rhythm never stumbles (except the one line that's in iambic pentameter for some reason) so it's overall easier to read.

Left one has nice sentiments and conveys more direct feeling to Aya, but needs better wordsmithing to flow better in reading. The right has a 'rhythm' you can pick up on quickly, it's simple but more importantly it's repeatable and bounds through the whole poem. On the left you have this for the first three lines until it hiccups with the fourth, it changes pace mid stanza and it just feels stiff; like you could trip yourself up in reciting it, and it feels like you had to trim words to fit an even syllable count. The AABCBC rhyme scheme doesn't feel right to me, and the third stanza breaks that with 'hatch' not rhyming with 'such'. AABBCC of the second is basic, but it flows better tbdesu. Poetry is meant to be recited, it has a musicality to it. The right sounds a lot better to speak out loud and works better as a poem, but as others have said there was something lost in translation and doesn't quite convey the feelings of the first.

>shine can't match your shining eyes
Left.
>>6949
Right's easier to read and all but it makes me think of studying poetry in school, like others noted. I hated poetry class...

>>6944
they're both kind of bad, but left is bad in a less boring way

I apparently don't have enough posts to vote, but if I did I'd vote for the right one. In my (uneducated) opinion, that one flows way better, while the left one just feels like it is trying too hard to get fucky with the grammar while failing to make the end product actually sound good.

Like anons have said, left for feeling while the right is a little "cleaner."
Specifically, the first two lines of left, a mishmash of left and right for the rest of verse 1, right entirely for verse 2, and for the last verse, left's idea with right's execution. Also, "ordinary" ruins the meter. "Normal" scans much better.
It reminds me vaguely of John Donne. You should hop on Gutenberg and get familiar with his songs if you're not already.

Well dammit. I can kind of tell the difference now. I think the thought of "left's idea with right's execution" on the last verse has something to it. The emotion and sentiment is present there, which is the more important thing as the form can be improved later, whereas right is more superficially "pretty" but means nothing. I prefer your own 2nd verse as well now. That feels very wishy-washy to me, but that's exactly the reaction you said you want to test for here. It also isn't until now I checked the rhyme scheme, how you're actually using something a little more interesting vs AABBCC.

Cheers OP. We should all be writing more crowetry.