For the past several years I have had a very poor view of myself.

One semester into university the COVID pandemic struck. Through years of isolation, physical separation from family, and poor guidance I found my grades had fallen to such a degree that I lost the scholarship I relied on for a significant portion of my tuition expenses. Gradually, I withdrew myself into only going outside for necessities like food and laundry. And my grades slipped further. I was put onto academic probation and when my grades had still not recovered I was expelled and given terms for reinstatement.

I felt hopeless, and guideless. At the core of things, I recognized my behavior was my own fault, but... it also stemmed from genuine, untreated mental illness. From a young age I had always been anxious, but that unease faded as I had friends and others to rely on. In a new place, all by myself, I didn't have that. When COVID struck and I began to withdraw, I fell into a spiraling depressive state and an uncaring bureaucracy was content to let me crash into the rocks.

For a semester I was in denial. I was allowed to remain on campus. The following semester I recognized the peril I was in. I applied to a community college to take the courses I was required to in order to be reinstated, but my funds ran dry and I could no longer afford transportation...

Eventually I returned home to live with family and when questioned with where I would be attending the following Fall, I chose a local community college. I felt like a failure and regularly thought about killing myself, but I persisted. Through a legal quirk I had to skip a semester and almost fell back into an unrecoverable despair. The university I had attended previously refused to issue my transcript and the community college I was attending would not allow me to register for classes until I had submitted it. Through an act that seemed of divine intervention I learned there was regulation that would go into effect starting just before the next semester began that would prevent universities from doing exactly this.

And so I was able to continue taking classes. I tried applying to some local universities, but they all rejected me. I thought very hard about killing myself at that point. If it was a matter of combined GPA, I would never recover. The amount of time it would take to reach the requirements for guaranteed admission would be enough time to earn an associate's degree. Naturally, you're also only able to transfer so many credits, so... I thought hard about whether I should kill myself.

At the end of that semester, however, I finally completed my degree program. An associate's degree, but I had earned a degree nonetheless. I also began taking medication to deal with my anxiety and depression. That brings us to now. I have yet to receive my physical diploma -- apparently it takes a long time to print them -- but I recently learned that I would be award Summa Cum Laude honors.

In yet another act that seemed of divine intervention I learned that my home state -- I had long since moved away from -- had several prestigious, and well-respected universities that had equitable tuition rates; for in-state, as for out-of-state students, both pay the same price. For this coming Fall semester I applied to 8 universities. Some in the state I live in currently, the ones I been rejected from previously, and some back in my home state.

Almost immediately I received notice back from one of the universities I had applied to previously that they had rejected my application. I have largely been enjoying myself this semester, unconcerned, but it was at this moment when I questioned whether anything I had done over the past two years had mattered at all. I wondered whether this would be a repeat of last Winter when every single application I had submitted was met with a rejection.

Today, I received news that has made me more elated than I have felt in a very long time. If I could, I am sure that I would have cried and cried in a very ugly and uncontrollable fashion. I received an acceptance letter. Moreover, I received an acceptance letter with an invitation to join an Honors College.


I don't think there's really much that can be said in response to this, but I wanted to share this story of mine if others find themselves in similarly insurmountable feeling circumstances. If I have learned anything over this years long ordeal it is the incredible importance of simply not allowing oneself to become demotivated and to continue persisting, against all odds. In that vein, it would be remiss of me not to mention the importance of managing ones mental health. There is a lot of "therapy speak" and faux posturing about its importance, but it truly is important. A lot of people online like to post scary stories and dissuade others from taking medication, and I was one of those people who was fearful. I would genuinely encourage others to talk earnestly with your doctor about your concerns and whether medication might help. It can make a big difference. In my particular instance, I think a lot of my self-sabotaging depressive spiraling could have been avoided and perhaps I would be in a very different place than I am now had I began taking medication earlier on to avoid things from reaching such a calamitous state as they reached.