For the past several years I have had a very poor view of myself.
One semester into university the COVID pandemic struck. Through years of isolation, physical separation from family, and poor guidance I found my grades had fallen to such a degree that I lost the scholarship I relied on for a significant portion of my tuition expenses. Gradually, I withdrew myself into only going outside for necessities like food and laundry. And my grades slipped further. I was put onto academic probation and when my grades had still not recovered I was expelled and given terms for reinstatement.
I felt hopeless, and guideless. At the core of things, I recognized my behavior was my own fault, but... it also stemmed from genuine, untreated mental illness. From a young age I had always been anxious, but that unease faded as I had friends and others to rely on. In a new place, all by myself, I didn't have that. When COVID struck and I began to withdraw, I fell into a spiraling depressive state and an uncaring bureaucracy was content to let me crash into the rocks.
For a semester I was in denial. I was allowed to remain on campus. The following semester I recognized the peril I was in. I applied to a community college to take the courses I was required to in order to be reinstated, but my funds ran dry and I could no longer afford transportation...
Eventually I returned home to live with family and when questioned with where I would be attending the following Fall, I chose a local community college. I felt like a failure and regularly thought about killing myself, but I persisted. Through a legal quirk I had to skip a semester and almost fell back into an unrecoverable despair. The university I had attended previously refused to issue my transcript and the community college I was attending would not allow me to register for classes until I had submitted it. Through an act that seemed of divine intervention I learned there was regulation that would go into effect starting just before the next semester began that would prevent universities from doing exactly this.
And so I was able to continue taking classes. I tried applying to some local universities, but they all rejected me. I thought very hard about killing myself at that point. If it was a matter of combined GPA, I would never recover. The amount of time it would take to reach the requirements for guaranteed admission would be enough time to earn an associate's degree. Naturally
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